Canada Day Celebrations
The birthday of my country, a day to commemorate, Canada day: fireworks galore, drinking and dicks. Even dicks like to celebrate but we celebrate in our own way. I spent my day with Miss BFFL, Stoner Skateboarder Dude, and new to this handbook, Mr. Dickster. Another person to add, though he is in another section titled as Drive-by Piss Offs as one of the two other friends during the drive-by shouts, is Booby. This section will include how to be dicks with fireworks and as a finale it will include a little snack story about Four Finger Gal. Hm snack and Four Finger Gal in the same sentence… not to appetizing in my opinion. To raise some suspense for the finale I will tell you right now that Four Finger Gal decided she had enough with me being a dick and called the cops. I will side-track a bit right now to rant about this because I think it was absolutely stupid. She started the rumour all I did was tease a bit, there were others who were a lot worse to her about her stupidity. That was all, I am not as angry as I was last night when it happened so the rant is not quite as grand as I would of liked. Time to get on with the piss off techniques!
First thing first you will need fireworks to be able to do anything in this section (aside for the finale of course, would be a little weird if I told you the finale including Four Finger Gal also included fireworks eh?). We bought a pack, which according to the box is the number one, and a large cannon type one. The large cannon proved to be quite disappointing. We set off the majority of the fireworks in Stoner Skateboarder Dude’s backyard but saved a few for some special dick moves we planned on committing later on. A quick summary of the fireworks is: we took turns lighting them, some were good some were pathetic, once we started our fireworks people started lighting theirs all over town, and lastly I burnt my thumb when lighting my second fuse. Even fireworks know how to be a dick apparently.
Here is a list of the things we did that night: threw a screaming firework at a random guys door who owned a dog, found an empty bus lit a few off there and blew up a couple mail boxes or maybe we didn’t do that last one since it is sort of a federal offence. In the next paragraph the story of each will be told. For this paragraph I’m going to just try to waste some space and some of your precious time. See how much time you wasted reading all this! But no seriously you’re wasting so much time reading this, aren’t I such a dick wasting your time by making you read this! You can’t stop yourself can you; you’re worried that if you skip over the paragraph you will miss some juicy detail to this section. Now you are starting to get mad aren’t you, well since you remained faithful to the paragraph I’ll hint at something amazing to come later on. There will be a story about Afro-man which you will not want to miss, about what myself and Mr. Dickster did to break him and a girl he has dated who had him so pussy-whipped it made me feel like I was being whipped also. That story is also where Mr. Dickster’s name came from, or rather how I decided to come up with his name. Oh, never mind I take that back, breaking those two up would never work, instead I’ll give a quick synopsis of how Mr. Dickster and I attempted to break them up. Firstly this should have been a joyous happy tale about him and his whore girlfriend breaking up and Afro-Man becoming unwhipped and his old self again. His old self being the one who came up with the Deadly Elastic Shot (Drive-By Piss Offs) technique and the one who threw stink bombs at random things. Since he and his whore got together his biggest dick move has been ignoring all his friends and isolating himself in the huge cave that is her vagina. Sorry for that disturbing image but it is true.
This is how we planned on breaking them up. So when a friend becomes whipped by a girl it is tragic is it not? Afro-Man falls into this tragic story, but Mr. Dickster and I thought on the bright side it so we figured it was left up to Mr. Dickster and myself to ruin their relationship. But before we get in the yay this is going to be a happy funny story mood, don’t. Because it didn’t work out that way, and became a tragedy because they remained together, though once they broke up Afro-man apologized and said he wished he had listened to us. We had a couple different plans to try on them. My original plan was to tell Afro-Man how his girlfriend tried to get me arrested through Four Finger Gal, figuring since he is like a bro to me he would take my side. Turns out his whore had a tighter leash on him and made him say it was entirely my fault, this is a reference to the finale of this story so stay tuned till the end. The second plan was to spread a vicious rumour about his girlfriend cheating on him, which in my opinion probably was happening because she is a whore. But this didn’t work either because even though we were like brothers he forgot about that and believed her over me. Leaving the third plan which was to just come clean and honest to him about how much he is whipped and not the guy he used to be, his excuse to this was that he was a ‘better’ man now, she kept him in line, hellz yeah she kept him in line, she didn’t let him stray one centimetre away from that line. What kind of life is that? An extremely unlived life, what’s the point of even living then. This means that he had no spazz anymore; he was no longer a dick, no longer Afro-Man. Now this is supposed to be about Canadian Celebratory Dick moves so back to the tale!
Finally back to the point of this chapter! And may I excuse myself for the nonsense two paragraphs ago about wasting your time, figured it would be a good way to be a dick; sometimes I just can’t control myself, I get in the flow and just can’t escape. Time for the first story which is the technique entitled The Scream of Fire. This story does not have much to it. We spent about twenty minutes walking around town looking for the perfect house until we decided on a guy right beside an abandoned bar and remembered that he had a dog who always barked whenever people walked by, so setting off a firework would make that dog go psychotic. Stoner Skateboarder Dude and I waited until the others (Booby, Miss BFFL and Mr. Dickster) were in their viewing spots and then we lit it. Pitched the firework onto the guy’s porch and bolted to the others. As we ran we could hear our accomplished piss off technique. The high pitched scream of the firework and the smell of burned porch wood was enough to make up for the fact that we had our backs to the light show. After a few seconds the dog’s loud barking could be heard, the dog had to be a big one considering its deep bark. Probably some kind of German Shepherd or Lab, possibly a Golden Retriever. That is it for the Scream of Fire story, not as amazing as some techniques but still worth it if you have the resources and time.
The Bus is another delinquent piss off move we did. Although obviously the reaction and the aftermath we never were able to appreciate. Just the thoughts of what the bus driver will think in September when he goes into his bus and sees a bunch of fireworks on the floor and burn marks on seats. I would also like to add that previously, I believe it was Mr. Dickster, Stoner Skateboarder Dude and some others who have no real relevance to the handbook decided to use the fire extinguisher inside the bus so there was some sort of dust on everything. Again it was Stoner Skateboarder Dude and I who committed the lightshow but the others watched from afar and said that the random lights going off in the bus were epic. They also said that the dust covered windows added to the effect by dulling the light and causing the fireworks to appear as if they floated from end to end of the bus. A warning now, do not aim the fireworks at each other, I know someone who almost lost his eye from taking a roman candle to it.
The last and probably the best out of the three firework piss off techniques was the Exploding Mailboxes of Doom. This is a pretty classic technique performed by many delinquent individuals who have as much spare time as we do. We took those fireworks that shoot off a bunch of different fireworks at once and put that in. If you have ever searched videos of fireworks in mail boxes in the virtual world, also known as the interwebs, then you already know the basic results. The mailbox didn’t blow into pieces but rather blew the front door off and made the walls bend outwards. The lights were the best part since they actually made us think that the mailbox might have disintegrated. The light from the fireworks seemed to come out all around the mailbox and surround the outside its purple glow. Seeing just a ball of flashing moving light around the mailbox and no actual surface of the mailbox was what made the illusion of a disintegrated mailbox.
It is now time for the Finale. When Four Finger Gal decided she had enough of poor old dick me and tried to charge me. The idea was thought of by Booby who had said he previously had done this piss off technique to her before. He said we should all text at the same time “FOUR FINGERS” which we did. The texters were Booby, Mr. Dickster , Miss BFFL and myself of course. Four Finger Gal did not know Mr. Dickster’s number or Miss BFFL so when she received their texts she messaged back asking “Who the **** is this?” We decided it would be an even greater piss off if we made it seem like I was running around town saying to text “Four Fingers” to her number. Mr. Dickster made up a name for himself and texted back saying that I was running around town with her number on a sign saying to text “FOUR FINGERS” to her. Miss BFFL said about the same thing. She was furious at my apparent actions. She texted me saying she would bash my face in and such nonsense. I casually responded saying, “Can you reach my face” (since I am on the tall side and she is on the short chubby disgusting side). We continued our lie, and she still does not know I never did what we told her I did, but she threatened to call the cops. I have no knowledge as of yet whether she actually did or if not. But I imagine if she did then something like this would happen. She calls them in by claiming an emergency because she is a drama queen like that. Her being a drama queen should be apparent since she has made everything I’ve done to her a huge deal and therefore made the rumours about herself, which she had started, spread faster. The idea to call the cops on me came from her friend, Afro-Man’s girlfriend, I have yet to tell him of this since I had believed it would inevitably break them up, though as I recounted previously it didn’t and because of that I am currently furious at him because that is a huge dickish move he pulled on me.