Drive-by Piss Offs
This section or story depending on what you want to classify it as will be a little different from any previous sections (or stories) you may of read. This will be about a mix of things you can do while driving a car or being a passenger in the car. How many times have you sat in a car and seen some really gimped or messed dude or dudette and just burst out laughing and saying “Mann I wish I knew somehow to be a TOTAL dick to them” just because of how literally funny looking they are. Well I will give you some things to do, some will need you to either make or buy certain objects but there will be a few which can just be spur of the moment. These techniques range from drive-by shouts (like they do in England according to a certain hit television show which includes: a fat guy, a talking dog and a super evil genius bent on killing or torturing his hot animated mom) to stink bomb attacks and Deadly Elastic Shots. If you do not have a car or know someone who drives, then maybe you can still enjoy imagining these classic, hysterical piss off drive-by techniques which will absolutely cause the person (regardless if you know them or not) to title you a dick.
I’m going to follow an essay format here which if you do not know what the format is, it is: most exciting paragraph, dull paragraph, and more interesting paragraph then conclusion. Meaning this paragraph should be the best technique or the funniest where as the others are probably not quite as good. But then again that will be a matter of opinion, and this Handbook is written in my opinion so you’ll have to read it as I believe them to be best to worse type thing. To get on with things my first paragraph is about, previously stated, the Deadly Elastic Band Shots. For this you will need to either buy or make something. I am unsure how to make an elastic band gun so my suggestion is just to go buy a cheap one. And for your safety I would highly recommend not getting the driver to commit this technique. In my case I had my friend Afro-Man commit the technique, he is also the one who thought of it and bought the object needed for it. You will need either an elastic band gun or a sling shot (though for a slingshot I would suggest using paper balls, wet or dry should work). This technique resembles a drive-by shooting if you had not already picked up that resemblance, though you will have to be much closer to the victim. I will now tell my story about the Deadly Elastic Band Shooting we committed.
Since this is my story I have decided to make a new paragraph but it is the same topic so it should still be considered the most interesting technique (in my opinion still, of course). My story starts off with Afro-Man and I walking around a mall and window shopping. We then go into our favourite store which I will name SD in this Handbook because it may come up again, especially in this section. I will not say what we bought except for that while we were buying these untold purchases, Afro-Man noticed that beside the cash was an elastic band gun (with stink bombs right beside). He went ecstatic. He had to buy it. It is a good thing he did too or else I wouldn’t have this section or at least not this paragraph in the Handbook. We left hand in hand. Jokes. We left walking manly side by side not touching, with our bags of goodies knocking against our legs. We went to my car (I won’t say the make or the kind since that will undoubtedly probably make any sale of this book plummet due to my instant ‘uncoolness’) and left the mall. We then drove around a bit before Afro-Man’s mind suddenly had one of those little light bulbs above his head. Before anyone can make a sarcastic comment in their head, he did not actually have a light bulb suddenly appear above his head and if your thinking now “Wow, I’m not that stupid I was thinking it was the overhead light in the car” it was not that either. He had an idea. He had noticed some messed up person walking on the sidewalk and was laughing about that dude/dudette and came up with the brilliant idea of shooting them with his elastic band gun. This is a much more legal and funny way of committing a drive-by shooting. If the dude he shot with his gun ever reads this, then I’m sorry but we both admit it was worth it, even though you did kind of scare us when you chased my car around the parking lot and up to the traffic light which of course at that moment had to be red. That apology just sort of summed up the whole next part of the story but I will continue on as if you hadn’t read it. We decided that we would go over to the all American store which had logo consisting of a giant yellow smiley face. In the parking lot of the all American store we decided we would slowly drive by an innocent and geeky looking dude and shoot him. Afro-Man missed the first time, but the dude did not notice. We did another drive-by and he shot again and hit him this time. The elastic went and hit his sweater vest and bounced up to nail him in the nose. It was a perfect shot. As we gawked at how amazing that shot had been we noticed that he was turning toward my slowly inching away car. We decided it was probably best not to let him get close, or talk to us. I drove off at a rapid yet safe speed to the other side. Once away we looked behind us and didn’t see him following anymore so we thought we were safe. BUT WAIT! When we turned back forward we caught sight of him coming around a curb, pretty much bolting it towards us. Again we sped away and left the parking lot, only to be stopped by a red light. Now we started to panic. Afro-Man loaded another elastic band into the gun, just in case things got dirty, since the dude was still following. Suddenly though luck was on our side, I’m guessing Fate decided to play a little prank on us by scaring us a bit. Damn dick Fate is. The light turned green and we were outta there. That is the story of the Deadly Elastic Shot, you can easily convert this into the Deadly Paperball Shot by using a sling shot or I guessing just chucking a ball of paper at someone.
With the first interesting technique down I will now talk about the drive-by shootings. A technique which is a little less extravagant but a technique that is still quite efficient at pissing people off which I will explain in another paragraph after I explain how to commit this technique. First you will need to have a mouth, though it is possible I guess to do it with your hands, but only if the person you’re trying to piss off knows sign language. Again I promote not getting the driver to do this, since it could be harmful to the other passenger’s health, and also impedes on hasty getaways. I am sure you can figure out how to piss someone off with your mouth from a car, but an explanation will help any of the less quick minds who read this. You will have to open your window. If you want to make sure your voice is heard then sticking your head out is most probably the most efficient. Pick your target and to really piss off the person try to yell something at them that is a little more personal then just ‘fag’ or ‘douche’. As I did with the Deadly Elastic Band Shot story I will tell of my own experience with this. Although I have had many I will write the most prominent and best reaction to the drive-by shouts. I have included reactions in this section if you had not noticed; this is because I think the reactions of these people were epic and hilarious.
My story starts off by a group of us: Stoner Skateboarder Dude, Miss BFFL and two other friends. Since there is not a lot of history to go with this one I will focus on creating a setting for you to picture. It was a dark and stormy night, where anything was possible. Folktales were being spread of a monster somewhere, which would creep up on some unsuspecting victim and that person would vanish completely except for their SHOES!!! No that is a lie except for that it was dark since it was night and that there was a sort of monster out. A group of bored teenagers driving in a car could be considered a monster to some folk, particularly the ones we were about to mess with. Anyways we were stopped at a stop sign while a family was crossing the street. A husband (could of just been a father), a mother and two babies. One baby was in a stroller and the other was holding the mother’s hand. This was when Stoner Skateboarder Dude decided it was his turn to be a dick (which due to the chain reaction rule, learned in chemistry and the chain rule in calculus) made the entire car a bunch of dicks in the family’s eyes. Stoner Skateboarder Dude unrolled his window and stuck his head out and yelled, “Sir! You have some mighty BEAUTIFUL babies!” In my opinion this was not really a dick move but the man took it like that and flipped us off. We took offence to that and decided to be bigger dicks and as we turned, which happened to be in the direction they were heading, we honked at them. The father was livid in anger and ran up to my car and bashed on the window. One of the friends who was sitting in the back nearly pissed himself and kept yelling to me “Drive! Writer of this Handbook [he used my name] DRIVE!” Which clearly I did, and fortunately this dude did not chase after the car as the other dude had. This concluded my most prominent and exciting drive-by shouting. If you ever decide to try this technique out, as I have already declared, you should definitely try to shout something that is personal to the Person to be Pissed Off.
The final drive-by piss off technique that will be included in this section is the Stink Bomb Bombing. This technique is a little more difficult and will require you to buy stink bombs, since I do not know if you can really make one as effective as the ones you can buy. Also if you do buy one try to get one of the little glass ones because they make the bombing much easier, though a little dangerous for the Person to be Pissed Off. As with the other two techniques I again suggest not having the driver commit this technique and should remain focused on the road and making the shot of the actual person committing the piss off easier to make. This is the way I suggest to do it. Look for a car that has their window down or a sun roof open. If you can find one of those get the driver to slow down so that you can throw the bomb from your window into the other car. If you can make the shot then hopefully the bomb will go off and when that person goes into their car they are in for a nasty surprise. Sadly unless you plan on watching the car for possible hours, you will not be able to see the Person to be Pissed Off’s reaction, but just committing this bombing should be fun enough for you to do. If you do not think you can make the shot from a moving car’s window into an unmoving (or moving if you want to try that) car’s window then I suggest going to a parking lot that has a lot of cars in it. There you can get out of the car walk around the parking lot a bit and find a car that has a window open and break the bomb inside by hand. This way if you want to take your chances and wait to see if it is a quick customer who will come out soon you can. But be warned there is a chance that it is an employee’s car and therefore they may not finish their shift for hours, or the car maybe a customer who takes hours to shop. I do not really have any exciting story to tell for this one, though the multiple times I have participated in this piss off technique it had been with Afro-Man who bought the stink bombs always from SD which are located right next to the elastic band guns. He was also always the one who set the bombs off, not always in cars. He occasionally did them in the middle of a mall or other closed in area that has many people around.
These three conclude this section on drive-by piss offs. There are other ways to piss people off from cars and do not fear I am sure you will read these other ways later on in this Handbook. Just be patient my reader, patience is the key. A props goes out to Afro-Man who suggested I write of the Deadly Elastic Band story and gave way to my inspiration of writing of the different ways of pissing people off from a car.
I’m going to follow an essay format here which if you do not know what the format is, it is: most exciting paragraph, dull paragraph, and more interesting paragraph then conclusion. Meaning this paragraph should be the best technique or the funniest where as the others are probably not quite as good. But then again that will be a matter of opinion, and this Handbook is written in my opinion so you’ll have to read it as I believe them to be best to worse type thing. To get on with things my first paragraph is about, previously stated, the Deadly Elastic Band Shots. For this you will need to either buy or make something. I am unsure how to make an elastic band gun so my suggestion is just to go buy a cheap one. And for your safety I would highly recommend not getting the driver to commit this technique. In my case I had my friend Afro-Man commit the technique, he is also the one who thought of it and bought the object needed for it. You will need either an elastic band gun or a sling shot (though for a slingshot I would suggest using paper balls, wet or dry should work). This technique resembles a drive-by shooting if you had not already picked up that resemblance, though you will have to be much closer to the victim. I will now tell my story about the Deadly Elastic Band Shooting we committed.
Since this is my story I have decided to make a new paragraph but it is the same topic so it should still be considered the most interesting technique (in my opinion still, of course). My story starts off with Afro-Man and I walking around a mall and window shopping. We then go into our favourite store which I will name SD in this Handbook because it may come up again, especially in this section. I will not say what we bought except for that while we were buying these untold purchases, Afro-Man noticed that beside the cash was an elastic band gun (with stink bombs right beside). He went ecstatic. He had to buy it. It is a good thing he did too or else I wouldn’t have this section or at least not this paragraph in the Handbook. We left hand in hand. Jokes. We left walking manly side by side not touching, with our bags of goodies knocking against our legs. We went to my car (I won’t say the make or the kind since that will undoubtedly probably make any sale of this book plummet due to my instant ‘uncoolness’) and left the mall. We then drove around a bit before Afro-Man’s mind suddenly had one of those little light bulbs above his head. Before anyone can make a sarcastic comment in their head, he did not actually have a light bulb suddenly appear above his head and if your thinking now “Wow, I’m not that stupid I was thinking it was the overhead light in the car” it was not that either. He had an idea. He had noticed some messed up person walking on the sidewalk and was laughing about that dude/dudette and came up with the brilliant idea of shooting them with his elastic band gun. This is a much more legal and funny way of committing a drive-by shooting. If the dude he shot with his gun ever reads this, then I’m sorry but we both admit it was worth it, even though you did kind of scare us when you chased my car around the parking lot and up to the traffic light which of course at that moment had to be red. That apology just sort of summed up the whole next part of the story but I will continue on as if you hadn’t read it. We decided that we would go over to the all American store which had logo consisting of a giant yellow smiley face. In the parking lot of the all American store we decided we would slowly drive by an innocent and geeky looking dude and shoot him. Afro-Man missed the first time, but the dude did not notice. We did another drive-by and he shot again and hit him this time. The elastic went and hit his sweater vest and bounced up to nail him in the nose. It was a perfect shot. As we gawked at how amazing that shot had been we noticed that he was turning toward my slowly inching away car. We decided it was probably best not to let him get close, or talk to us. I drove off at a rapid yet safe speed to the other side. Once away we looked behind us and didn’t see him following anymore so we thought we were safe. BUT WAIT! When we turned back forward we caught sight of him coming around a curb, pretty much bolting it towards us. Again we sped away and left the parking lot, only to be stopped by a red light. Now we started to panic. Afro-Man loaded another elastic band into the gun, just in case things got dirty, since the dude was still following. Suddenly though luck was on our side, I’m guessing Fate decided to play a little prank on us by scaring us a bit. Damn dick Fate is. The light turned green and we were outta there. That is the story of the Deadly Elastic Shot, you can easily convert this into the Deadly Paperball Shot by using a sling shot or I guessing just chucking a ball of paper at someone.
With the first interesting technique down I will now talk about the drive-by shootings. A technique which is a little less extravagant but a technique that is still quite efficient at pissing people off which I will explain in another paragraph after I explain how to commit this technique. First you will need to have a mouth, though it is possible I guess to do it with your hands, but only if the person you’re trying to piss off knows sign language. Again I promote not getting the driver to do this, since it could be harmful to the other passenger’s health, and also impedes on hasty getaways. I am sure you can figure out how to piss someone off with your mouth from a car, but an explanation will help any of the less quick minds who read this. You will have to open your window. If you want to make sure your voice is heard then sticking your head out is most probably the most efficient. Pick your target and to really piss off the person try to yell something at them that is a little more personal then just ‘fag’ or ‘douche’. As I did with the Deadly Elastic Band Shot story I will tell of my own experience with this. Although I have had many I will write the most prominent and best reaction to the drive-by shouts. I have included reactions in this section if you had not noticed; this is because I think the reactions of these people were epic and hilarious.
My story starts off by a group of us: Stoner Skateboarder Dude, Miss BFFL and two other friends. Since there is not a lot of history to go with this one I will focus on creating a setting for you to picture. It was a dark and stormy night, where anything was possible. Folktales were being spread of a monster somewhere, which would creep up on some unsuspecting victim and that person would vanish completely except for their SHOES!!! No that is a lie except for that it was dark since it was night and that there was a sort of monster out. A group of bored teenagers driving in a car could be considered a monster to some folk, particularly the ones we were about to mess with. Anyways we were stopped at a stop sign while a family was crossing the street. A husband (could of just been a father), a mother and two babies. One baby was in a stroller and the other was holding the mother’s hand. This was when Stoner Skateboarder Dude decided it was his turn to be a dick (which due to the chain reaction rule, learned in chemistry and the chain rule in calculus) made the entire car a bunch of dicks in the family’s eyes. Stoner Skateboarder Dude unrolled his window and stuck his head out and yelled, “Sir! You have some mighty BEAUTIFUL babies!” In my opinion this was not really a dick move but the man took it like that and flipped us off. We took offence to that and decided to be bigger dicks and as we turned, which happened to be in the direction they were heading, we honked at them. The father was livid in anger and ran up to my car and bashed on the window. One of the friends who was sitting in the back nearly pissed himself and kept yelling to me “Drive! Writer of this Handbook [he used my name] DRIVE!” Which clearly I did, and fortunately this dude did not chase after the car as the other dude had. This concluded my most prominent and exciting drive-by shouting. If you ever decide to try this technique out, as I have already declared, you should definitely try to shout something that is personal to the Person to be Pissed Off.
The final drive-by piss off technique that will be included in this section is the Stink Bomb Bombing. This technique is a little more difficult and will require you to buy stink bombs, since I do not know if you can really make one as effective as the ones you can buy. Also if you do buy one try to get one of the little glass ones because they make the bombing much easier, though a little dangerous for the Person to be Pissed Off. As with the other two techniques I again suggest not having the driver commit this technique and should remain focused on the road and making the shot of the actual person committing the piss off easier to make. This is the way I suggest to do it. Look for a car that has their window down or a sun roof open. If you can find one of those get the driver to slow down so that you can throw the bomb from your window into the other car. If you can make the shot then hopefully the bomb will go off and when that person goes into their car they are in for a nasty surprise. Sadly unless you plan on watching the car for possible hours, you will not be able to see the Person to be Pissed Off’s reaction, but just committing this bombing should be fun enough for you to do. If you do not think you can make the shot from a moving car’s window into an unmoving (or moving if you want to try that) car’s window then I suggest going to a parking lot that has a lot of cars in it. There you can get out of the car walk around the parking lot a bit and find a car that has a window open and break the bomb inside by hand. This way if you want to take your chances and wait to see if it is a quick customer who will come out soon you can. But be warned there is a chance that it is an employee’s car and therefore they may not finish their shift for hours, or the car maybe a customer who takes hours to shop. I do not really have any exciting story to tell for this one, though the multiple times I have participated in this piss off technique it had been with Afro-Man who bought the stink bombs always from SD which are located right next to the elastic band guns. He was also always the one who set the bombs off, not always in cars. He occasionally did them in the middle of a mall or other closed in area that has many people around.
These three conclude this section on drive-by piss offs. There are other ways to piss people off from cars and do not fear I am sure you will read these other ways later on in this Handbook. Just be patient my reader, patience is the key. A props goes out to Afro-Man who suggested I write of the Deadly Elastic Band story and gave way to my inspiration of writing of the different ways of pissing people off from a car.